Addendum to the Summer Solstice

I would be amiss if I didn’t expound on my adventure today at Dalton Imaging Center. Gentlemen, if you are reading this, it’s time to close the window and step away from the computer. **** Females only from this point….you have been warned. ***

I had my yearly mammogram today. I must say, it equaled the thrill of APA writing in many ways. First of all, I have been going to this same place for probably 10 years. Every year, I fill out a new form, and never has the information changed, except the insurance card. So, I sit on the [worn but comfy] settee and fill out my same old information. Not apprehensive at all, as I have been a customer here for a while, as stated previously.

Sure enough, their promptness is reinforced as after only a few minutes, they call my name. Same little woman shuffles back to The Room. She has spoken maybe 20 words to me in 10 years. I suppose in her line of work, it helps not to get too friendly.

So I’m ushered in the little changing room, “gowns are in the top cabinet” she says much like Cloris Leachman in “Young Frankenstein”, as she has for the past decade. Well, they‘ve obviously upgraded to a new, improved ‘gown’. This thing looks like a Christmas tree skirt with snaps. There are no arm-holes, only this bat-like cape-like thing. Great, I say to myself. Now I look even more stupid because I can’t figure out how this goes. Well, I go and sit in the room with the Monster, and while I wait, I notice a little difference. This is a new machine, a new configuration. The old one had to have the big old x-ray plates pushed in. This is a streamlined model, with digital access and a monitor. Neat! Not so neat. The little woman comes in and tells me to stand in front of The Beast. She squirts something on a cloth and proceeds to wipe down the surface of the jaws of this thing. I said jokingly, “Does that warm it up?” No response from the dominatrix. I’m sure she’d rather remain aloof and uncaring handling what she does all day every day.

Then she grabs my breasticle and pulls it into the gaping jaws of her new best friend. She presses a pedal with her foot and then turns a knob and cranks it down even more! I cannot breathe! I recall her saying in past years “hold your breath” – no need now….can’t breathe, can’t talk, I can only crouch in the awkward standing/leaning position the dominatrix has placed me. THEN she says, “I’ll get you out of this in just a second.” LIAR! I’m counting to ten, trying not to pass out, thinking that if I did, I’d be just hanging there with my poor bresticle in the Jaws of the Monster. With much relief, I hear the monster scream and then its hold on me eases up. That was one. She did four. I’m surprised that I’m alive to tell the tale. Say it now..."I'm too old for this!"

It is good to be screened for problems. It is not good to leave unable to stand erect and breathe normally. Only once a year, only once a year.

See why I go fishing?